Complications

Our 1st and only Wedding Anniversary

Every death is unique, just like every life is. A fingerprint with all these different factors and dynamics. How the person lived. How they died. How it affected the people around them.
The little facets that surround death that make each situation its own special kind of lonely.

Some are universal to all deaths. Some are distinct to a LEO Wife or a murder. There are these little grief pathways all us widows travel along. We all have one thing in common. Our significant other died. The path forks in numerous places that make each one of our deaths unique in its own painful and intimate way. Some of our husbands died young. Some unexpectedly. Some have kids. An even narrower fork for the LEO wives. Then the narrowest for the ones who were murdered. Sometimes that path gets so tiny you feel like you are traveling completely alone and could fall off at any moment. His death is complicated. Some ways good and some ways bad. But complex in ways that feel very overwhelming at times.

Young and Unexpected- Becoming a young unexpected widow is something I could have never imagined. It doesn’t matter how dangerous your husbands lifestyle is its just not something that plays in your mind much when you are young and healthy. There is some sort of mental block there. You know its a possibility but you NEVER think it will be a reality.

Sean really missed a complete adult life. We were kind of late bloomers, but at 30 we were just getting started. Just a few paces past the starting line. The movie in my head of our lives suddenly cut off. The tape stopped forever. I felt immediate pressure. How will I start again? I have to start again. I am so young. I am a fairly independent person and I can tell you right now if I was 65 and a widow, I would probably be pretty content. I would live my little life, working on crosswords and gardening. I would feel fulfilled. But I’m not. I was just getting started. I feel the pressure for a husband and a family because now it feels like I barely even had it at all. The struggle here is not letting the pressure lead me to things I am not ready for. I have to take it day by day and evaluate what my heart can handle and what it cannot. I might not be ready right now and that is okay. Someday I will be.

The unexpectedness of death for someone young is something I fear I will never get over. The trauma lessens but it is always there looming. I get an instant knot in my stomach when people walk out the door or don't answer my text message quick enough. I get scared to love someone new and him never come back home. The disbelief lasts so long. No mental preparation, just someone vanishing. In the beginning, I was living in this little scrambled cloud where my mind was literally ping-ponging between he's here and he's not. I would go to the grocery store and every single time pick out something for him. When I came home I would expect him to be sitting on the couch. I know denial is a stage of the grieving process and the shock of losing someone that quickly makes that stage a long drawn out one.

The Public Eye- This one is super complicated. He was a police officer. His death was public. There was good and bad to this. Here's the bad….peoples opinions. I really do not want your opinion on anything about what happened that day. I do not want your speculation, your theories, your name-calling, your “what I would have dones”. Frankly, I do not give a shit. NONE of that will change the fact that he is never coming back. To me, it is so counterproductive to growth in grieving. It is one of those death hangups, like guilt and anger can be. Let's spend all our time and energy thinking about what could have gone different that day. No thanks. There is no time machine. He’s still not coming home. In addition to peoples unwanted opinions, there are just plain old cop haters that social media so graciously puts right in front of our faces. No matter how hard you try to run from it you can’t. I am glad I see it. I want a real picture of the world I live in. Naivety and ignorance never brought change. Cops are used to it. They get spit on, cursed at, beat up and then when they give the ultimate sacrifice their family gets to read in black and white that they deserved it. My husband was a good man. His job did not define him. Just like the color of someone's skin, sexuality or religion does not define them. I know this is a sensitive topic so I will just leave it at that, but anti-cop rhetoric/cop hate/disrespect for authority (whatever you want to call it) is a real thing. There are over a hundred of us in this country from last year alone that have proof in a graveyard.

The public eye complication comes not only with scrutiny of my husband but also of me.
I am so far from perfect it is not even funny. I made mistakes. Plenty of them. Many in the first few months that I rather not think about. It's natural in the beginning of something like this. You are so incredibly disoriented that you are grasping at anything you can to help your world makes sense. Many times this comes in the form of self-destructive behavior. Like I said, I have learned in grief that this is normal and a lot of times where people get stuck. Yes I am allowed to make mistakes but it is impossible to not feel a little bit of pressure when you know people know your name or even your face. When you've had too much to drink on a Tuesday crying somewhere, and you feel like everyone around you is staring. Even if they aren’t you think they are in your head and it only amplifies the anxiety and guilt you are already feeling. I tried to give myself a little grace and room to learn and grow. I know for me I am not looking for perfect people in my life I am looking for real people. People who are genuine and honest, so I just hope that people see the same in me.

Along with scrutiny were lots of expectations. I am not going to lie, I have gotten good at it but having to put on a public face in the midst of complete despair is hard. Expected to go to event after event did get tiring but you get used to it. You can't stop it so you just power through. I tend to carry this persona into my personal life as well. I remember clearly one time I was at a social gathering and something made me upset. I was trying so hard to hold it together. One of my friends looked at me and said “Krissy it is okay to cry, he died less than a year ago.” She was right. Of course everyone will understand if I fall apart. And I did. It was weird, it was like I needed that permission. I've gotten better at letting in my friends. When I am having a bad day I tell them. I do not know why sometimes we feel like we cant. Like we have to face it alone. I guess it feels weak. It was how I was raised. Probably back to that old southern woman thing. Don't wear your emotions on your sleeve. Smile and nod like everything is okay. It’s all fine, please pass the wine.

I feel like I am being negative but there is an amazing part of being in the public. An incredible and never ending support system. The outpouring of love from this community and the LEO community is something I still hold onto so tightly. I see someone at the store with a Sean shirt on and it instantly makes me smile. Yes there are people saying negative things (probably about this right now) but right above and below that there are people who love him and commend him constantly for his bravery. It is a catch 22, but on the bad days I can literally go in my inbox and read hundreds of messages of love and support. It makes me sad to think some widows out there don't have that. I encourage anyone feeling like they are going through this or anything else alone to reach out to me. I promise a listening ear makes it better. Even if they have no idea what the hell to do or how to help. The power of someone saying “I am there for you” is undeniable.

Police Life- Not only did being a cop complicate this death publicly but also emotionally. If you are a LEO wife you know there are 3 people in a LEO marriage. You, him and the JOB. It took me years to accept my husband and his job. Once I did, things were much more peaceful. Once I accepted him and who he was, I could let go of all the anger, resentment and fear that the job brings and finally have a marriage with just the two of us. So many nights I thought, how could he choose this job over me? Why doesn’t he want to be here with me keeping me safe rather than all these strangers? That anger came flooding back so quickly when he died. How could he go in on his day off? Am I not important enough to spend time with? By the time he died I was content in our marriage and his job and I was able to quickly realize this anger would only bring more unanswered pain. I could either waste my time being angry with him. Angry at the job. Pushing him away because of my selfishness or misunderstanding. OR I could learn from him. Show him gratitude for what he gave me and for what he sacrificed for his fellow man. Spend time loving and connecting to him. I still have days where I get angry. My anniversary was one of them. Why marry me and promise your life to me and then go out every single day and put your life at risk? It is a hard pill to swallow, but I am trying. Just because he had a passionate calling it did not mean he didn’t love me.

One Person Taking Another's Life- This is the biggest complication of them all. One I am still dealing with everyday. Shot or killed, or whatever you want to say, in the line of duty is a really nice way to say murdered. My husband was murdered. It took me a very long time to grasp that and some days I still can’t. I hate that word. The thought of one human taking another's life. It's complicated. The word that comes to mind is impact. Sean had a positive impact and this person didn't. I want you to think about that. If you had to weigh your life against someone elses what would you see? Are you leaving a good impact on humanity or a negative one? Be reflective in all the moves you make. Don’t regret but learn and change to make sure your morality and impact is crystal clear.

There is all sorts of trauma that come along with this concept. I didn’t understand this at first. I wasn’t standing there seeing him get shot so how can I feel the effects of this trauma. My counselor helped me understand this. The nightmares you have are so terrifyingly vivid that you mine as well have been standing there. The shockwave that goes through your body when you get a knock on the door. The face of his cold body ingrained in your mind forever. These are traumatic. All of the sudden I was hyperaware. I couldn’t sleep. I was extra sensitive. I was having panic attacks worse than I've had in my entire life. I've been working through all of this and learning and want to explore the signs and side effects of trauma more in another post. But know that murder or accident, or any death really, does come with trauma to the people around them. Erin and I have talked countless times about the paralytic obsessions your mind can get into about something like this. It's hard for people to understand. Sorry my house is dirty. I've just been laying on the couch for 5 hours playing his death in my head like a bad movie. If you are a widow, or even just an anxiety sufferer, I know you have been there.

I held onto Erin so tightly (and still do) but this is the fork where she had to leave me… facing this person. I have been lucky enough to find some other wives to travel with but this is a rough one. Looking at the person that stole your loved one is something I don’t wish on anyone. I was so anxious the first time. I barely ate for a few days before. I was up all hours of the night obsessing over hypotheticals. I do not know why death seems private or intimate but it does. Your last moments should be with your loved ones. His were not. This is one of the thoughts that still over a year out makes my stomach drop. That moment was taken from me. Not only was it stolen by a criminal but now it gets to be analyzed and played out in detail in a public trial. What gives you the right to stand there and give your opinion on the death of the man I loved? All while I have to sit and keep my mouth completely shut. It is absolute torture. What nightmares are made of and it has barely just begun. Xanax refill, please!! If you have any heart at all (which unfortunately I got a big one) you can't help but think about that person. All they have been through in their life that brought them to this critical moment where they thought it was the right thing to do to take someone else’s life. I taught in low-income schools. I saw these kids that people thought had no hope. I think he was one of them. I don’t want people to misconstrue this understanding for compassion. I do not feel sorry for him. I feel sad that our world can be so hardened children become this lost. It is a mixture of all these feelings that make this situation complicated. Sean was very cut and dry. You are either a piece of shit or you are not. You either give to the world or you take from it. I do not believe in a victim mentality and I do believe in consequences for your actions. But it is much more complicated than I once thought. I know some people are reading this thinking “how could you feel anything but hate?” Trust me I know because I was one of those people. I was unprepared for the amount of emotions I would feel seeing him. It was anger and hatred like I imagined, but It was mixed with a little sadness. I do not think this has to do with him as much as it has to do with loss giving you a better understanding of the world. Absolutely everything is seen clearly. A big picture life and death circle. I don’t know quite how to explain it, but you are not the person you thought you were. Or the person you were before the loss.

Death is complicated and I am still sorting through it everyday. I will do my best to figure out all the little pieces as they come.