When someone dies your entire world is turned upside down. People try so hard to make it better. You start to hear the same things over and over again and you wonder if there is any merit to any of it. "He's in a better place." "You know he loved you." "Everything is going to be okay." "You just have to find your new normal." Normal. What the hell is going to be normal after my husband was murdered? Taken away from me in one fell swoop. I knew eventually I would feel Krissy come back. I knew she was in their somewhere. But the grief and the trauma overshadowed the woman that was left inside and you wander day to day feeling empty. Searching and searching for this "new normal." So I have realized while everyone else's normal has disappeared due to a global pandemic mine has slowly started to reform. For over a year now, I have been consumed. This is the first time since he walked out the door that my phone has stopped ringing. That I didn't have a police event to go to or a court hearing. A blissful few months where I have had nothing. I haven't had to be reminded he was a police officer. I haven't had to put on a smile. I haven't had to listen to his killer defend himself while I sit and relive the trauma. Just me again. Just Krissy. Just Krissy and Sean. Reflect on him as a person. Reflect on our love and what it meant to me and what it will mean to me in my life going forward. This has been so powerful. He was a man. He was all of these other things too. But to me, he was just a man. With a smile and laugh that gave me butterflies. Who was vulnerable and liked to cuddle. He was a person. All the other things will fade away and those are the things I will cherish. The hurt is there but weakening and I can feel this is what my life will be like. It used to make me sick going through the tunnel into Mobile. Driving by the hospital. Seeing his uniform hanging in the closet. Hearing a gunshot on the TV. Everywhere I looked, every thought in my head would bring me back. But now I am healing. My Sagittarian soul has always craved the good. I can't help it. I am an eternal optimist. Now I drive through Mobile and think about all the incredible people there that loved him. And love me. All the memories we made at BW3's and Hooters with his squads that were family. When he took me on day dates to his favorite coffee shops. The trips we made. The lessons we taught each other. I can drink two drinks without going home and crying. I can listen to a conversation and hear his joke chime in and it puts a smile on my face, not a frown that he's gone. I can dance and love and joke and be me again. I can enjoy my friends and family. I can open my heart to new people and new possibilities. I will never be the same but this new normal is what I am striving for. Remembering Sean and all the memories we made. Not the one horrible day that took it all away. I want to live in the good. So I hope and pray this sticks and is my new normal. It feels so good.
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