The past few weeks I couldn't help but be reflective about this past year. I could easily sit and think about all the bad things that have happened. The nightmares, the hate, the heartbreak. But that is counterproductive. What does that do but harden and hurt me? I want to shed light on the positive things this has brought to my life. Focus on the good and let that continue to heal me.
Resiliency/Strength- This is the big one. This is the best of them all. This is the one I can feel changing me every day. Widowhood is a neverending battle. Over and over again you get knocked down and have to get back up. The final W-2’s, the half empty box of his cereal still on the shelf. All the insignificant details from someone’s life that suddenly become blaring when they disappear. Working day after day to feel normal again and having one of these things smack you back to it can be exhausting. Some days the exhaustion get the best of you and there were times I did not think I could do it anymore. I tell people a lot that I am tired. It is not physical tiredness. It is complete mental exhaustion. I am tired of replaying it in my head every single day. I am tired of my heart breaking over and over again when I lay down at night. I am tired of missing him. I am tired of being sad. You want it to stop but it doesn’t. You have no choice but to take the licks and keep going. Monday go meet with the funeral home. Tuesday go to a fundraiser. Friday go to a court hearing. I could look at my week and get an instant knot in my stomach knowing it would be full of constant pain and reminders. If you would have told me 10 years ago I would have a week like that about my dead husband, I would have told you I rather be the dead one. I know that sounds morbid but you have to understand I have NEVER been the strong one. I could not even sleep through the night until I was close to 17. My anxiety has been so bad at some periods in my life that I couldn’t leave my house. I couldn’t enjoy the things other people did. Travel, sleepovers as a kid, college. It’s all been one big scary world that I have been lost in. I am telling you this strength was buried so deep inside of me I never even knew it existed. Don’t listen when someone tells you people can’t grow or change. I saw Sean go from a juvenile troublemaker completely lost in the world to someone I admired and respected with a clear, unwavering purpose. When I reflect on myself it is honestly remarkable how far I have come. Life sends things your way and you have a choice to fight or lay down. He taught me to fight and I am so glad I did. I have proven to myself that this will not defeat me. Resiliency is now part of me. It helps me fight the exhaustion and feel power over my life once again.
Gratitude- I have talked about this life shift in some of my other posts. The reorganization of your reality when tragedy hits. You take stock of everything in your life and it is now easy to sort between the important and insignificant. I know I have met people in the past who have experienced these life-altering moments. They would say things like “you never know what you have until it is gone,” or “appreciate the small things”. I listened but I never let it resonate. Now it’s different. I am grateful for every second. I am grateful for the memories I have, the memories I am making, and that my heart is still beating to make more in the future. I don’t worry as much because that is wasteful. I remind my self that every day is precious and I can not lose them to anger, worry, or despair. That does not mean I do not feel those things. But I am staying focused on the big picture. How would you feel if you left a loved one here on this Earth and all they did was sit around and waste the time they actually did have? I would be pissed. I would be envious. I can see him looking at me. Telling me to get out of bed. Get dressed. His time was taken from him. How selfish of me to misuse or abuse the treasured moments I have left? You realize its the people around you and the experiences you make that actually fulfill you. Trust me when I tell you there is nothing else. No new car, no blank check, no amount of alcohol will EVER fill that void. They are quick fixes that rapidly break back down. Fulfillment is slow but it is permanent. Living your life thankful for the moments that make your heart sing. The helping, the loving, and the growing. Honestly, when someone leaves its often the things you think about the most. Yes, he was a good man. He was honest and caring and all of these things but its those precious moments that I overlooked that I miss the most. How he slobbered when he laughed too hard. How he ate bacon in bed at 6 am after a night shift while I cuddled him. How he stuck his tongue out when he was concentrating. The way I could instantly melt and forgive when he stuck out his bottom lip. The times we laughed together until we cried. We should have spent more time loving and cherishing each other and not sweating the small stuff. I should have told him I loved those things about him instead of picking fights about the bills. All the insignificant things that distract us from what's really important. I don't believe in regrets, but I will not make those mistakes again. I will stay focused on gratitude for every single moment I have with the ones that I love.
Resiliency/Strength- This is the big one. This is the best of them all. This is the one I can feel changing me every day. Widowhood is a neverending battle. Over and over again you get knocked down and have to get back up. The final W-2’s, the half empty box of his cereal still on the shelf. All the insignificant details from someone’s life that suddenly become blaring when they disappear. Working day after day to feel normal again and having one of these things smack you back to it can be exhausting. Some days the exhaustion get the best of you and there were times I did not think I could do it anymore. I tell people a lot that I am tired. It is not physical tiredness. It is complete mental exhaustion. I am tired of replaying it in my head every single day. I am tired of my heart breaking over and over again when I lay down at night. I am tired of missing him. I am tired of being sad. You want it to stop but it doesn’t. You have no choice but to take the licks and keep going. Monday go meet with the funeral home. Tuesday go to a fundraiser. Friday go to a court hearing. I could look at my week and get an instant knot in my stomach knowing it would be full of constant pain and reminders. If you would have told me 10 years ago I would have a week like that about my dead husband, I would have told you I rather be the dead one. I know that sounds morbid but you have to understand I have NEVER been the strong one. I could not even sleep through the night until I was close to 17. My anxiety has been so bad at some periods in my life that I couldn’t leave my house. I couldn’t enjoy the things other people did. Travel, sleepovers as a kid, college. It’s all been one big scary world that I have been lost in. I am telling you this strength was buried so deep inside of me I never even knew it existed. Don’t listen when someone tells you people can’t grow or change. I saw Sean go from a juvenile troublemaker completely lost in the world to someone I admired and respected with a clear, unwavering purpose. When I reflect on myself it is honestly remarkable how far I have come. Life sends things your way and you have a choice to fight or lay down. He taught me to fight and I am so glad I did. I have proven to myself that this will not defeat me. Resiliency is now part of me. It helps me fight the exhaustion and feel power over my life once again.
When I think about where this strength comes from I see it clearly in my mother. We are total opposites in lots of ways but this quiet strength was definitely her gift to me. When I was around 10 my Dad suddenly ended up in the hospital and was dying of a rare type of Leukemia. We were told he didn’t have much time left and we had to go in and say goodbye. My mother is the kindest, purest soul you could ever meet. She is not someone you look at and think strength. It is quiet. But it is deep. The woman has seen more in her life than anybody should and not once has she let it harden her or waver her compassion for others. When we had to go in that day and see him, I do not remember her crying or sensing her fear. She was an absolute pillar of strength for all of us. Her world was crumbling around her and she was thinking her life might have to go on with 3 small children alone. Never once did she let us feel like things were out of control. He pulled through and everything turned out okay, but I will never forget the woman she turned into during that time. I have come to realize I am the exact same way. When it matters most, I can step up. I never knew I could, but that quiet strength I saw in her resides in me as well and as soon as it was needed it came pouring out of me. I get all the time “you are so strong” or “I could never be as strong as you." You do not know that. I promise. There is no thinking. No planning. When something like this happens it shows up right when you need it. Some superpower that has been covered by insecurities and fear your whole life suddenly emerges. You surprise the people around you and you surprise yourself the most.
Gratitude- I have talked about this life shift in some of my other posts. The reorganization of your reality when tragedy hits. You take stock of everything in your life and it is now easy to sort between the important and insignificant. I know I have met people in the past who have experienced these life-altering moments. They would say things like “you never know what you have until it is gone,” or “appreciate the small things”. I listened but I never let it resonate. Now it’s different. I am grateful for every second. I am grateful for the memories I have, the memories I am making, and that my heart is still beating to make more in the future. I don’t worry as much because that is wasteful. I remind my self that every day is precious and I can not lose them to anger, worry, or despair. That does not mean I do not feel those things. But I am staying focused on the big picture. How would you feel if you left a loved one here on this Earth and all they did was sit around and waste the time they actually did have? I would be pissed. I would be envious. I can see him looking at me. Telling me to get out of bed. Get dressed. His time was taken from him. How selfish of me to misuse or abuse the treasured moments I have left? You realize its the people around you and the experiences you make that actually fulfill you. Trust me when I tell you there is nothing else. No new car, no blank check, no amount of alcohol will EVER fill that void. They are quick fixes that rapidly break back down. Fulfillment is slow but it is permanent. Living your life thankful for the moments that make your heart sing. The helping, the loving, and the growing. Honestly, when someone leaves its often the things you think about the most. Yes, he was a good man. He was honest and caring and all of these things but its those precious moments that I overlooked that I miss the most. How he slobbered when he laughed too hard. How he ate bacon in bed at 6 am after a night shift while I cuddled him. How he stuck his tongue out when he was concentrating. The way I could instantly melt and forgive when he stuck out his bottom lip. The times we laughed together until we cried. We should have spent more time loving and cherishing each other and not sweating the small stuff. I should have told him I loved those things about him instead of picking fights about the bills. All the insignificant things that distract us from what's really important. I don't believe in regrets, but I will not make those mistakes again. I will stay focused on gratitude for every single moment I have with the ones that I love.
Genuine Relationships- I remember so clearly everything that happened the day Sean died. Like a movie it plays in my head. The day I was robbed of the life I used to have. There were tons of people here. Some I asked to come, some just showed up. Some were family, some were strangers. Some had genuine intentions, some did not. I had no control over what came out of my mouth or how I was acting. I was unfiltered and vulnerable. This was me at my darkest for everyone here to see. You have no strength to be anything but bare. No make up, no cute outfits, no jokes, no charm. Just you. You at the absolute worst moment of your life. You see sides of people you never want to. Grown men crying. People simply holding your hand because they have no words to desribe the pain. But it is real. Real raw emotion. I saw it in people and they saw it in me. As time passes after tragedy, you try to build up those little walls again. The ones that protect all your insecurities. But it is a last priority. Your main goal is survival. You are your most authentic true self because there is no energy for anything else. There is no inner monologue judging your every move. You aren't worried if your joke was funny, if you were nice, or if you looked better than someone else. Your mind and heart are so pre-occupied with your pain that you are your purest form. People that don’t like it leave. People that connect to you stay. It is as simple as that. It will shock you the people that stick around. Some complete strangers turn into family. The people that magnetize to you are the ones meant to be in your life. This tragedy has helped me form some of the most genuine relationships I have ever experienced. People who love me through all the tears, all the mistakes. People who do not pass judgment. People who stand by my side when facing the unimaginable. These are my people. If someone is not helping you grow and learn, they are not meant for your life. There is no time for it. (See other section- Moments are too precious to waste on inauthenticity). Most of the time you are your own worst critic. You do not need someone else, significant other or friend, criticizing you too. You need cheerleaders. You need teachers. I have friends/family that guide me when I'm screwing up. That praise me when I accomplish something. That show me how to be a better person.
I know I am going to make it. I am strong. I am resilient. I am grateful. And I am surrounded by those who genuinely love me.
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