Our culture, and in large part Social media, has created this annoying thing where we are obsessed with perfection. Depression and anxiety run rampant and we are stuck in a perpetual "not good enough" cycle. Wasn't Valentine's Day fun? Where we got to see everyone's perfect relationship displayed in candy and cards? The perfection perception. We work tirelessly to have everyone perceive us as perfect. Our looks, our career, our relationship. We reveal just enough to create a facade of perfection. It makes us feel better when we are crumbling inside.
I am absolutely guilty of this. Perfect is a word that has circled in my head for as long as I can remember. I wanted the picture. I wanted the life everyone else seems to have. My husband died. I'm 32 and single. I'm grieving and making mistakes. Nothing right now is perfect. My counselor told me I was setting myself up for failure, and boyyyy was she right. Who is the perfect widow? The one who cries once a week instead of every night? The one who visits the grave every holiday? The one who gets dressed and puts on a smile? The one who reads all the books and writes all the journals? The one who never moves on? I am going to fail this journey over and over again because there is no perfect widow. That is part of what makes it so difficult. It is unpredictable and nonlinear. There are no standards or finish lines. How can I get an A+ if I don't even know whats on the test?
When I started to realize this may be something I can't perfectly accomplish, I decided to get real. Real about how this impossible standard makes other people feel. Real about the life I had lived and how I can learn from it. When someone dies it is kind of like a breakup. You suddenly are flooded with all the good memories, all the things you won’t have anymore. It’s natural. But guess what? It’s not real. We were not perfect. We were dramatic. We liked to bicker. He could make me feel lonely. I could make him feel small. We had sucky communication skills. We sometimes let life get in the way of loving each other. I say these things not to shine a negative light on our relationship but to show that we were authentic. He’s gone. No one was here day in and day out but the two of us. I could say whatever I want. I could tell you he was Prince Charming and I was the perfect wife. But that is not true. And what would that do except make someone else feel bad about the real-life shit they are going through. Marriages are tough. LEO marriages are even tougher. The woman whos husband worked two shifts and never said hello when he walked through the door. The one whos man is drinking too much and shutting down from what he has seen. You are not alone. We have all been in the trenches with them. And if you feel like you haven't then you are either just starting out or you are lying to yourself about how well you emotionally support your husband. I honestly feel like I could write a whole book on being a LEO wife but one day I will definitely dedicate a blog to it.
I’ve heard widows talk about how they were in a bad place when their husbands died. How they had been wanting a divorce but felt too trapped to get out. I applaud those women for being honest. We were happy when he walked out the door that day. But there are countless other times he could have never came home, when things weren't so peachy. When we fought. When we were completely on edge and wanting to throw in the towel. If we were in a bad spot and he had died that day, could I write love letters to him without feeling like a liar? How can we grow and learn from each other if we are not authentic? That is what a relationship is. The ups and the downs. The wins and the losses. I never want someone to feel alone. The purpose of this blog is for people to find it relatable and helpful. No one wants to sit and read something that makes them feel inadequate or wrong.
Some of my friends and family have said we are inspirational. I like that. Whether we were perfect or not, we can be used as an example. Well before he died, we had been to hell and back, but we never let each other go. Your relationship will never be perfect. But you can look at situations like this and be inspired to keep trying. Think about that person disappearing. What would you lose? Be real and honest about what is working for you and what is not. You owe it to yourself and your partner. Make the small moments count. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t let things go left unsaid. Make a point to kiss each other before you leave the house. Ask each other how their day went when you get home. Be thoughtful. Work on loving each other at your worst and your best. We were far from perfect. But we were committed. We were loyal. We were a united front. We respected each other. We accepted each other’s flaws. We supported each other’s dreams.
Perfect is an empty promise. An unattainable goal. Let it go. Reap the rewards of being real!
I am absolutely guilty of this. Perfect is a word that has circled in my head for as long as I can remember. I wanted the picture. I wanted the life everyone else seems to have. My husband died. I'm 32 and single. I'm grieving and making mistakes. Nothing right now is perfect. My counselor told me I was setting myself up for failure, and boyyyy was she right. Who is the perfect widow? The one who cries once a week instead of every night? The one who visits the grave every holiday? The one who gets dressed and puts on a smile? The one who reads all the books and writes all the journals? The one who never moves on? I am going to fail this journey over and over again because there is no perfect widow. That is part of what makes it so difficult. It is unpredictable and nonlinear. There are no standards or finish lines. How can I get an A+ if I don't even know whats on the test?
When I started to realize this may be something I can't perfectly accomplish, I decided to get real. Real about how this impossible standard makes other people feel. Real about the life I had lived and how I can learn from it. When someone dies it is kind of like a breakup. You suddenly are flooded with all the good memories, all the things you won’t have anymore. It’s natural. But guess what? It’s not real. We were not perfect. We were dramatic. We liked to bicker. He could make me feel lonely. I could make him feel small. We had sucky communication skills. We sometimes let life get in the way of loving each other. I say these things not to shine a negative light on our relationship but to show that we were authentic. He’s gone. No one was here day in and day out but the two of us. I could say whatever I want. I could tell you he was Prince Charming and I was the perfect wife. But that is not true. And what would that do except make someone else feel bad about the real-life shit they are going through. Marriages are tough. LEO marriages are even tougher. The woman whos husband worked two shifts and never said hello when he walked through the door. The one whos man is drinking too much and shutting down from what he has seen. You are not alone. We have all been in the trenches with them. And if you feel like you haven't then you are either just starting out or you are lying to yourself about how well you emotionally support your husband. I honestly feel like I could write a whole book on being a LEO wife but one day I will definitely dedicate a blog to it.
Some of my friends and family have said we are inspirational. I like that. Whether we were perfect or not, we can be used as an example. Well before he died, we had been to hell and back, but we never let each other go. Your relationship will never be perfect. But you can look at situations like this and be inspired to keep trying. Think about that person disappearing. What would you lose? Be real and honest about what is working for you and what is not. You owe it to yourself and your partner. Make the small moments count. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t let things go left unsaid. Make a point to kiss each other before you leave the house. Ask each other how their day went when you get home. Be thoughtful. Work on loving each other at your worst and your best. We were far from perfect. But we were committed. We were loyal. We were a united front. We respected each other. We accepted each other’s flaws. We supported each other’s dreams.
Perfect is an empty promise. An unattainable goal. Let it go. Reap the rewards of being real!
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