That's the old me. Krissy before the loss. Her smile was innocent. She thought she knew so much about life and love. She was wrong. Loss is such a weird word. For the first 30 years of my life, I had never lost anything of real significance. I had lost my keys, some friends, and a few loves along the way, but I always knew where to go back and find them. On January 20th, 2019 I experienced the loss I have now come to know so well. It haunts me at night right when I’m drifting to sleep. It shows up like an old friend at the most inopportune times when I’m too tired to entertain. I am the loss and the loss is me now. You see when someone leaves this Earth the loss sends shockwaves to everyone around that person. I was the closest to him. I feel those waves intensely. They keep coming, some bigger than others but I’ve accepted they will never stop. On certain days, they come so quickly and so fiercely that it is impossible to get my footing. Then a reprieve. The lighter days where I am able to breathe. Those are the days I'm constantly searching for, and am finding more and more as time passes.
A loss of life. A loss of a husband, son, friend. A loss of a future. A loss of unconditional love between two people. A loss of my compassion. A loss of my identity. There are many things to mourn here. So many things lost on that day. Complex things I am desperately trying to find. I’m approaching the one year anniversary of his death and although I feel strong, there are many days I still feel lost in who I am now. I have always been an optimistic person and I know I will get through this, but damn is it a tough one. You always think you will be able to handle anything life throws your way. This was the first thing that made me doubt that confidence.
My new identity is slowly forming and I am trying desperately not to screw it up. One year without him here and as much as I want to move forward with my life, it's like I'm running in place. Always exhausted, but not making much progress. The one thing I can always turn to when I am feeling this way is writing. It is my absolute escape. When the magnitude of this loss overwhelms me, I write. It is how I try to decode the unfathomable. The loss of my husband. My best friend. This blog will be rants, love letters, screw-ups, and lessons. A collection of all the things grief has taught me over the past year and all it continues to teach me each day.
Sweetheart, keep writing . It took me a couple of days to actually get the nerve up to read this post. Glad I did. It gives a perspective that we need to hear. Prayers for you. Don't ever expect to be the person you were prior, but maybe with time, your new normal will be someone that you deeply admire. Meanwhile, the rest of us will remind you of the strength and love we see.
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