I can't even tell you what day of this isolation we're on right now, but what I can tell you is this is the day that it has finally gotten to me. The walls are closing in and the 20 acres of family land that we have access to has never seemed smaller. I know that people have it so much worse than I do, but today I am struggling. My life has been on the go since the day I got the keys to my first car. I picked up my going immensely after Justin was killed. It had plained back out but I have never spent so many days in a row in my house. Maybe it's because it forces me to sit and just be still, and to process my emotions that need to be processed. Mine and Justin's 5 year anniversary fell during this time of isolation. Last year Lucas and I watched mine and Justin's wedding video together, and we decided it would be something we would do every year. It helps me to reminisce and it gives Lucas the opportunity to see Justin and who he was. But this year, when the day came, I just couldn't bring myself to watch it. Lucas asked me for 3 more days after that, so I finally went and found the video. We watched it, and the tears flowed. I knew why I didn't want to watch it. I didn't want to process that it was our 5 year wedding anniversary. It felt like such a huge number. And it was the year that I had officially spent more wedding anniversaries with out him than I had spent with him. But even through the tears, I know how good for my soul it was to see him smiling and dancing in that video. So many times I put my tough face on, I hate feeling weak. But between these pregnancy hormones, and all of this sitting at home....I am just all in my feelings.
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