Love Always






Dear Sean, 

I miss you. One year since I heard your laugh, held your hand, kissed your cheek. Heard you call me Swissy. I’m glad we stayed in bed a little longer that Sunday morning. The small moments I can never get back and treasure so deeply now. I’m beginning to understand why you had to leave me. A year of crying, growing and learning. The hardest of my life. You were always pushing me to be better and your final move will eventually be the single moment that transformed me into someone I admire and truly cherish. My true purpose found. Like a picture slowly coming into focus, the beautiful colors are coming to life. Me without you. You aren’t standing next to me anymore, but this time you’re the artist.

You taught me so much, Sean. You always told me to write, but I never listened. I never believed in myself. Look at me now! I’m courageously facing all my demons. I’m realizing this never could have happened with you on this Earth. Not because I didn’t want it to, but because I loved you too much. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I put myself second. My love for you was so deep in me that doing anything without it was unbearable. Even if that meant taking care of myself. I know you would be so proud of me. I am standing up tall to all of it. Just like you always did. Never backing down. Remember, when we first started dating and I was having nightmares? I woke you up in the middle of the night because I thought someone was breaking in. You ran around the house and checked all the doors and windows. You always made me feel safe. Guess what? I don’t have those nightmares anymore. Instead, I have dreams about you. Peaceful ones. We are lying on the floor cuddling. You lay your head on my lap while I scratch your salt and pepper hair that I loved so much. In one of them, you even asked if we could stop fighting. Dream language is never what it seems and I think you wanted me to let you in a little more. I hope you understand how painful it is sometimes to connect to you. Pushing you away seems easier on the bad days. I’m sorry about that. I’m trying to do better. I’m not going to lie, I’m terrified for this coming year. Facing it all without you. But sometimes in the middle of the night, I can still feel you next to me. Feel you put your arms around me and I know I am not alone. It’s funny how life works. My biggest challenge I am left here to face without my strong partner. It’s like there was this grand plan neither of us could see. Death and rebirth for us both on two different planes of the universe. There is no doubt so many parts of me died along with you that day. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to hold your hand. Tell you I loved you one more time. It makes me sad that you aren’t here to see me now. I think you would love me even more. The strong and independent Krissy. We could conquer the world together. But then I remember, not only can you see it but you are the creator of it all.

I am getting better at being alone. The physical absence of someone has been one of my greatest challenges. I know you could hear me all those nights I cried myself to sleep. Screaming and cursing at you for leaving me. You always encouraged me to be independent. You never babied me. When I needed something, you would always say “What will you do when I’m not here?” I hated it at the time, but thank you. For the first time, I don’t feel like I need someone. I want someone, but I don’t need someone to be fulfilled. You made that happen. It’s like you wanted to make sure I would be okay. It’s a slow process but I can feel my heart getting used to it now. The contentment makes me sad and happy all at the same time. Happy the pain is weakening, but sad my life is getting used to your absence. The dichotomy is so extreme. Moving on means inevitably losing you a little bit but staying stuck is unbearable. I will find a way to do both. Hold you close while also living. I know that is what you want. There was never a doubt in my mind you wanted to make me happy and fulfilled, even if you had no idea how to do that. I know you still want that. I want you to know we are all okay. Even if we aren’t okay today, or this week, we will be. It is time now for you to spend your energy helping us to do good in this world. You did that here on Earth and now you will inspire all of us to do that long after you are gone. It is my promise to you I will hold on to the lessons you taught me. I know our vows said “til death do us part” but there is no parting for us. Light chords connected for all eternity. I will live a life without your physical presence but I will continue to find ways to connect to you and make your life an example for others. 

I want you to know how special you were. I know you didn’t feel it. I know there were times when you doubted yourself. If you were enough. But everyone knows now what a distinctive soul you were. You always stood out. I knew it from the moment I met you. Something was different and I had to hang on to it. It’s all starting to make sense now. The storms we faced, the journeys, the love. A tragic ending and a beautiful beginning. A different love now. A partnership spanning heaven and earth. I hope you see me finding those moments of connection. When I’m hugging Maverick and telling him that it’s okay to miss his dad. Smelling every shirt I find to see if you are still there. Kissing your pictures. I can see you standing right there telling me what a crazy person I am. But I was crazy about you! We always identified with each other and could share our innermost insecurities and secrets. We were two people committed enough to make things work. To tough it out and stand by each other no matter what life threw our way. I see so much defeat and heartache in relationships. You helped me know that it is possible to love someone unconditionally and feel that back. I am so grateful for ‘us’. Thank you for loving me at my worst and best. Thank you for being half my heart and best friend for all those years. (And your welcome for all the things I did for you too.) You wrote to me on our wedding day that I was your greatest accomplishment. I feel the same way about you. We did it together, and it was beautiful.

Love Always,
Krissy

Comments